Sometimes I think about what could have been if I had started earlier being smart with my training.
If I had been smart with a whole bunch of stuff.
When I started training, I was stupid. Too much . Too much going to failure. Too much not being smart with my diet. What does that mean? I ate too little. Scared to get fat so I ate tuna and drank water because Arnold did it, or because I thought Arnold did it that way.
And then I realized that the magazines were bullcrap and everyone didn't just drink Mega Mass 2000 and when I realized it I was already into years of wasting my time.
And I have been thinking about regrets and life in general.
I get that way sometimes
Not everyone is like me. Tough to understand those who don't train or are not strong or quit at tough reps or who are just normal. Have to be more tolerant.
And isn't life a bunch of wasting time? Meetings that don't matter and futile training sessions and smiling at folks who do not care and the end result is that you have wasted breath and minutes and hours that you can't get back. And it goes beyond training. Man, this is it. Whatever your religious beliefs are, your time on this earth is finite. All the stuff that is a waste is just that, a huge waste, time that you can not get back. If the end result is that you spread yourself too thin, you end up one of the mediocre many.
I dont have advice to anyone, I am not that wise. My dad is wise and thoughtful and all of that. I am just a guy who gets crushed by his mistakes over and over again. I have been through a couple of marriages, 3 kids and countless jobs. I am just a guy, struggling everyday to get up in the morning, striving to be a decent dad and a good boss. A guy who feels like screaming at the tops of his lungs at the shit that pervades this world.
If I could go back in time, what would I do? I would:
be more diligent with my nutrition.
be more confident in new situations
be more adamant when people are taking advantage of me
train my first dog better to hunt
be more tolerant of players who made mistakes when I was coaching football
realize that this too shall pass
start writing books earlier
start deadlifting heavier earlier
care less what people think about me
What else? I don't know. I feel sorry for people. I feel sorry for people who are shy, or have trouble keeping up, or have tragedy in their lives. I feel sorry for dogs without a home and for people who aren't loved or for people that never have a father or mother to make a difference in their lives.
I feel sorry for those who are depressed, they just can't snap out of it, and I hate folks who are intolerant of people that are down on their luck
I realize that everyone has something, something or somebody in their family or friends who have a major thing wrong with them and that they must deal with this everyday
It hangs over their heads, it is always there, dominating their thoughts
I feel for the kids in the classroom who cant get the lesson
and I feel for those kids in school who aren't popular, who aren't in the clique
All of this is tumbling out of me because I am feeling it today. I feel things pretty deeply and I feel things that mess me up
maybe more than others
the guy in the ocean, with one arm
the kid who sleeps alone in a place without anyone who really loves him
Tough to take, everything that I see.
My eyes burn with the cruelty of the world, with the things in front of me.
More than weight lifting for sure. It's the time spent with my sons that makes me sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I have another son so far away, guilty because I am not there for him everyday like I am for my sons here in New Jersey
stuff that eats me up
stuff that makes me sad
stuff that makes me try to forget the harshness of life
you don't think life is harsh? It is harsh, it is cruel, it is unpredictable as hell.
And it is small good times peppered with awful or mundane times
That is life
Not a movie, not a book, REAL stuff
Real times that test your mettle.
Have you been crushed? By a girl, by a guy, by someone who you thought was there for you and only you? You hate them, you love them, you can't live without them.
You are not alone. You can't escape it. This kind of shit touches everyone.
No answers, just thoughts, just minutes that mean something
just tiny little things that one remembers in the down times to make you have faith in life
don't face the moments that are really there. It's too tough. But you must face them, you must. And there is the tough stuff.
When your stomach turns and the hair on the back of your neck tingles, the hurt is coming. And then you see him or her and it all comes flooding back again.
Sometimes its best just to look back on the good moments, they are really never as good as you remember, because you forget all the bad shit that engulfs you no matter what, and that everyone
regrets, and thoughts that bring you there, regrets in times that call you there
I feel for you, I really, really do. I feel for me.
Burning it up inside of me. And I know that you are feeling it deep also. Hang in there. I feel the same way.
Rise up, live in the moment. This too shall be in the past one day.